A FOOD-DEPRIVATION-INDUCED RANT! You know folks, when you've been casting a jaundiced eye towards humanity's relentless septic swirl towards the final entropic collapse into sweet, inetvitable oblivion like yer old pal Jerky has, you learn a few things. And one of the first things you're likely to learn on that journey towards disilusionment and nihilistic ennui is that people... people are assholes. "Well that's a rash generalisation!" I can already hear you thinking to yourselves. "Sure there are a few bad apples out there, but basically, the world is full of good, decent people who only want to go about their business and not do any harm!" To this, I say bullshit! The idea of human benevolance is a convenient myth, not unlike the idea that rural folk are more fundamentally decent to each other than city folk. Trust one who's been around both... they're not. And neither is the vice versa true. The fact remains, however, that the only place yer old pal Jerky has ever been successfully mugged was in a barely-there mill town in the desolate wasteland of northern Maine. Man... what a bunch of assholes those guys were. But they aren't the only ones. Every last human being on the planet is an asshole. The elderly? They’re just yesterday’s assholes. And young people are nothing but the assholes of tomorrow. Politicians? Clergy? Celebrities? Artists? Rich people? Poor people? Fictional characters that haven't even been imagined yet? Assholes, the lot of them. Did you know that there is not a single person in your own intimate circle - your best friend, your little brother, your mother, your grandfather - who hasn't done something so despicable, so underhanded, so petty, vindictive or shockingly selfish that it you ever found out about it, your opinion of them would be forever changed? It's true! I read an article about it and everything! Even the innocent are assholes. The simple fact that someone hasn't done anything wrong doesn't absolve that someone of the incontrovertible fact that, deep inside, they are a seething cauldron of vile potentiality, biding time, waiting to errupt. Innocence is nothing but a symptom of weakness and cowardice on the part of the individual, a sign that one hasn't got the strength of the will to break free from society's ritalin-TV-talk-radio straight-jacket, thereby freeing the inner asshole and allowing it to manifest itself. That's why, in the end, the "innocent" inevitably end up being among the worst of them. So... where does all this leave you and me? When all is said and done, we're just a couple of assholes, too. And what's worse, we're stuck with each other. Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: feedback@dailydirt.com

ON THESE DAYS! July 30 On this day in 1619, colonial Virginia's House of Burgesses is established. The first popularly elected legislature in the New World, the House of Burgesses meant Americans had a 157-year head start on democracy once they declared full independence from England in 1776, assuring a relatively smooth transition towards self-rule. Need I bother mentioning that this "democracy" applied only to land-owning white dudes? I didn't think so. On this day in 1839, a bloody revolt takes place on the slave ship La Amistad, thereby laying the groundwork for yet another bloated, fatuous, self-important "message" movie by the incredibly overrated Steven "childlike wonder" Spielberg. Teamsters President Jimmy Hoffa was last seen alive on this day in 1975. To this day, they're still digging for the bastard. On this day in 1991, publicists for MTV announce that the groundbreaking cable music video channel would soon be splitting into three separate channels. Marketers call the move "expansion and diversification," while music lovers describe it as "metastasization."

THEY SAID IT! "I seem to get horny, but not lonely. I'm completely egocentric. The error in judgment comes only when you pretend you aren't. How many ruined families and ruined progeny and hungry little soccer kids should not have happened from individuals who went, Baby, I love you as much as the spotlight." - Former Van Halen frontman David Lee Roth generously shares his profound insights into the human spirit. *** *** *** "I tell you what makes me mad. Is when I see the names of those youngsters that are being killed out there every day. I say, "God help us." I've been there. I've seen this movie before. It was 35 years ago. I was one of those young 21-year-old, 22, 23-year-old guys. Young Lieutenant, hard charger, volunteer. First Air Cavalry Division. Airborne, all this kind of stuff. Hoo-wah, hoo-wah, hoo-wah. And we got great young soldiers. And I've been at Bethesda and Walter Reade, and I've seen their legs blown off. And I've seen their eyes gone. And that's what bothers me." - Former Georgia Senator Max Cleland, true American hero, victim of Republican vote theft.

JOKES! Today's first joke was sent in by our old pal Mike Wolf. It's 3am, and a man is driving his brand new BMW M3 down the N1 at 240km/h. He's two minutes away from home when he sees a car on the side of the road, on its roof with flames all around. There' s no one else in the area, his cell phone reception is dead, and so he stops his car. Sure enough, there's a beautiful woman in the car, but she's bleeding to death! The guy reckons "Screw it!" and rushes to fetch a blanket from the car. He wraps the woman in the blanket and puts her on the back seat of his M3. He then rushes her to the hospital. For six months she lies in the hospital, and he is with her every day and every night. He donates his blood to keep her alive. Eventually, she recovers fully, and they get married. Life is cool for a few years, until one day she gets fed up and decides to leave him. She comes down the stairs, struggling with her two suitcases, and reaches into her pocket for the keys to the Jaguar. Sure enough, he stops her before she reaches the door and asks, "What are you doing?" "I'm leaving you," she says. "Oh really, and how are you going to leave? The keys in your hand are for the Jaguar I paid for. It's my car. You are not taking it anywhere." "Fine," she says, and throws the keys at him. "And those bulging suitcases? The clothes you're wearing? Everything, I've paid for. They are my suitcases and my clothes. You're not taking them anywhere!" "Fine," she says, and throws the suitcases at him. She strips down completely and throws her clothes at him too. "And the blood in your body? I sat with you for six months in the hospital. You know half of the blood is mine. You're not going anywhere." She looks at him, whips out her tampon and, throwing it at him says, "I'll pay you back in monthly installments, here's the first." *** *** *** Thanks to our old pal GoosNB for sending in today's second joke. A very popular bar had a new robotic bartender installed. A guy came in for a drink and the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?" The man replied, "130." So the robot proceeded to make conversation about physics, astronomy, investments, insurance, and so on... The intellectual listened intently and thought, "This is really stimulating." Another guy came in for a drink and the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?" The man responded, "100." So the robot started talking about the football, baseball and so on. The sports fan thought to himself, "Wow, this is really cool." A third guy came in to the bar. As with the others, the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?" The man replied, "70." The robot then said, "So, what's new in Washington DC these days?" WORST JOKE OF THE DAY Today's crappiest joke was sent in by Chad L. Two families move from India to America. When they arrive, the fathers make each other a bet -- in a year's time, whichever family has become more American will win. A year later when they meet again, the first guy says, "My son's playing baseball, I had McDonald's for breakfast and I'm on my way to pick up a a case of Bud for tonight. How about you?" The second guy says, "Fuck you, towel-head!"

ASK JERKY! Relationship troubles? Philosophical quandaries? Nagging doubts about your spouse? Jerky knows the answer! Send your letter to the feedback address at the bottom of the page: jerky..... just so you know..... a friend of mine has been sent to Iraq.... she is in Baghdad with the British contingent... she dropped me a line to tell me things are fucked up beyond belief... setting an entire radio system with masts, etc... and no friggin electricity to run it.....no refrigeration...and the potable water station isnt even in the shade or under any cover......another fine snafu courtesy of Central Command....lol Signed: Scott First things first, Scott, ease up on the "period" key for Christ's sake. That's not punctiation, it's connect-the-fucking-dots! Now that that's out of the way, check out this mind-blowing report by my good buddy William Rivers Pitt if you want to know exactly how ridiculously horrible things have gotten in Iraq. *** **** *** Jerky, you sure do have the weirdest sense of humor of anyone I have ever known. Things that are really pretty funny are NOT according to you, and vice-versa. I think you need a 10 year vacation to cool off and regroup your senses. Signed: Joe You and me both, Joe. *** **** *** Hey Jerky, I noticed you are a Richard Pryor fan so I was wondering if you could give me some advice about which of his movies are most worth seeing. Since I saw See No Evil, Hear No Evil I have no doubt that best comedies were filmed in 80s. Too bad I was born in '84 so I now have to search for them. Thanks! Signed: Dude Richard Pryor has starred in a shitload of movies. Here are yer old pal Jerky's favorites, in no particular order, in a variety of categories. Drama: Blue Collar (1978), Lady Sings the Blues (1972), Jo Jo Dancer Your Life is Calling (1986) Comedy: Silver Streak (1976), Stir Crazy (1980), Brewster's Millions (1985) Concert: Live In Concert (1979), Live on the Sunset Strip (1982), Here and Now (1983) Hidden gems: Wild in the Streets (1968), The Bingo Long Traveling All-Stars & Motor Kings (1976), Which Way is Up? (1977) Worst Richard Pryor Movies: The Wiz (1978), The Toy (1982), Harlem Nights (1989)

READER'S SOAPBOX! Got a gripe? Pet peeve? Have your say in the Daily Dirt! Columns can pretty much be about anything, as long they meet the following criteria: 1) don't write shit that'll get us in trouble. 2) Keep it interesting. 3) Keep it short. 4) We don't edit your mistakes. Oh yeah! feel free to send a picture of yourself if you want. TOPIC: WISHFULL THINKING! Care of: TJ MOP Jerky, Last week, you had a reader ask you what you wanted to really see from this administration, and it got me thinking about some the other members and associates of Bush-Cheney Ltd. (a Halliburton subsidiary). Donald Rumsfeld - to be dragged from his office and thrown into the Pentagon parking lot by the Joint Chiefs of Staff after telling them once again how they don't know how to fight a war. The Commandant of the Marine Corps has the option of setting him on fire. John Ashcroft - To be tarred and feathered by the ghosts of Thomas Jefferson & James Madison. Ari Fleisher - To have photos of him bound and spread eagled from his last "session" with Mistress Karen Hughes reach Larry Flynt's palsied hands. Paul Wolfowitz - Sentenced to (a short) life in a Syrian Prison. Karl Rove - Appointed ambassador to Rwanda, for life. feel free to add on to the list. - TJ [I'd love to, TJ, but I'd really rather not have to spend an evening entertaining special agents from the Secret Service or the FBI. - Jerky]

Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: feedback@dailydirt.com