DAILY DIRT TOP TEN! TOP TEN REASONS TO VOTE FOR ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER! Our Top Ten Lists Go to Eleven! - Jerky 11. It isn't like this is a real election, anyway, so you might as well have a little fun with it! 10. Experts agree that the only way to fix California's problems is by handing over the state's finances to a showboating vanity candidate whose sum total experience in government consists of leading a couple hundred school-kids in a five-minute round of jumping jacks on the White House lawn nearly two decades ago. 9. So we can hear him mangle the tough parts of his Oath of Office when he's sworn in. Arnold trying to say "constitutionally-mandated gubernatorial responsibilities" equals comedy GOLD! 8. If California Democrats ever try to scuttle a legislative quorum by leaving the state like they did in Texas, Arnold will hunt them down and chop them into quivering, bloody sushi. 7. His last name has both the word "War" and the word "Zen" in it. How cool is that?! 6. It will help Minnesota get over their embarrassment at having elected Jesse Ventura. 5. It is imperative that we, as a society, come together and put an end to this Gary Coleman nonsense right fucking now. 4. His positions on various issues have already been clearly articulated in his films. Want to know where Arnold stands on cloning? Just watch The 6th Day. How would he deal with terrorism? Watch Collateral Damage and find out. What are his feelings on the rise of the surveillance state? True Lies and Eraser hold some clues. Education issues? Watch Kindergarten Cop. And, of course, to ascertain Arnold's thoughts about the imminent global takeover by an impossibly cruel mutant robotic artificial meta-consciousness, just watch Twins, co-starring Danny Devito. 3. Fiscally speaking, he'll be able to do for the state of California what he did for Planet Hollywood. 2. If you vote for him, he promises to kill you last. 1. Let's see YOU come up with a better way for the Bush administration to distract the public's attention from churning unemployment, a metastasizing deficit, the rapidly-deteriorating situation among the natives in our latest imperial conquests, Iraq and Afghanistan, and the ever-rising pile of "suicides" necessary to keep the illusion going. Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: feedback@dailydirt.com

ON THESE DAYS! August 12 On this day in 1953, the Soviet Union test-detonates their so-called Layer Cake Bomb - a 400-kiloton device fueled by layers of uranium and lithium deuteride - in Kazakhstan. In response, the Pentagon cranks things up a notch by creating both a Bundt Cake Bomb and a Apple Brown Betty Bomb, both of which are devastatingly powerful... and irresistibly scrumptious! According to the show's creator - and included in the script of a birthday episode - it was on this day in the year 1757 that the hideous, be-warted muppet-alien known as ALF was born... or hatched... or whatever. Anyway, HAPPY BIRTHDAY ALF, you deservedly-forgotten piece of shit, you! On this day in 1907, the world's first-ever motorized taxicab hits the streets in New York City. Later that same evening, for the first time ever, the world's first-ever cabbie wipes the first-ever gob of semen left behind by his first-ever pervert fare.

THEY SAID IT! "I am not sure whether he knows all of the prophecies and how deep of a student he has been in God's Word, but I was contacted a few weeks ago by the Office of Public Liaison for the White House and by the National Security Advisor Condoleezza Rice to make an outline. And I’ve spent hours preparing it. I will release this information to the public in September, but it’s in his hands." - If yer old pal Jerky's reading this correctly, Prophecy-spouting tele-revelationoid Jack Van Impe was approached by the White House about preparing an outline for how Armageddon is supposed to go down. I don't know about you, but this news does not exactly fill yer old pal Jerky with hope for the future. *** **** *** "The result of groupthink has been extensively studied in the history of American foreign policy, and it will have a prominent role when the history of the Bush administration is written. Groupthink, in this most recent case leading to the invasion and occupation of Iraq, will be found, I believe, to have caused a subversion of constitutional limits on executive power and a co-optation through deceit of a large segment of the Congress." - Karen Kwiatowski, a recently retired Air Force Lieutenant Colonel, gives her impression of what's been going on behind closed doors in the Pentagon, recently. Rye-opening is an understatement.

JOKES! Today's first joke was sent in by our old pal Marcus Garvus. After moving to the sparsely populated bad lands of South Dakota, Ross did not see another human being for six months. One afternoon, he noticed a man on horseback approaching his property. Ross stepped outside to greet the visitor. "My name is Johnson," the rider said, "I'm your neighbor from a few miles west. I apologize for not stopping by sooner, but I'm having a party this Saturday night, and I'd like to invite you." "I"d love to come," Ross replied. "My parties are very wild," Johnson warned. "You can count on a lot of drinking, a lot of fighting, and a lot of screwing." "What should I wear?" Ross asked. "It doesn't much matter," Johnson told him. "It's just going to be you and me." *** *** *** Thanks to our old pal Wally for sending in today's second joke. Two guys are moving about in a supermarket when their carts collide. One says to the other, "Excuse me, but I'm looking for my wife." "What a coincidence, so am I, and I'm getting a little desperate." "Well, maybe I can help you. What does your wife look like?" "She's tall, with long dark hair, long legs, firm tits, and a tight ass. What's your wife look like?" "Never mind, let's look for yours!" WORST JOKE OF THE DAY Today's worst joke was sent in by Remo. It's actually pretty funny, but I'm pressed for time. I can't find a bad joke! Can you believe it?! A taxi driver goes to a bar to pick up his fare, a really drunk guy who has been in the bar way too long. After giving directions back to his house, he and the taxi driver are talking. The drunk guy leans forwards and says, "Hey taxi-dude! Think you got enough room in the front for a case of beer and a couple of burgers?" Taxi guy says "Sure! Not a problem." The drunk guy goes, "BLLEEECCCHHHHH!!!"

ASK JERKY! Relationship troubles? Philosophical quandaries? Nagging doubts about your spouse? Jerky knows the answer! Send your letter to the feedback address at the bottom of the page: Jerky; I was just reading about Tom Ridge getting a boost up the ladder for succession to the office of president (not a bad gig - buddy makes up a cabinet post for you, next think you know, you're in office!) Anyhow, some friends and I were discussing how far down the list of succession one would have to go before some of the pressure on the little red button is released, assuming we skip the obvious nukers Cheney and Rumsfeld, and disregarding the computer chip in our brain stems courtesy of Ashcroft. I was just curious as to your feelings on this. Assuming a one-by-one succession, how far would one have to go to breath easy? Withold my email please - hate mail is already meeting quotas. Sign me, Old Dog That kind of formality is all meaningless now, Old Dog. We're through the looking glass, now. All bets are off. You're working from a map of a place that no longer exists. We're all just uninvited guests at their cornholing party, and from how on, like it or not... it's no holes barred.

READER'S SOAPBOX! Got a gripe? Pet peeve? Have your say in the Daily Dirt! Columns can pretty much be about anything, as long they meet the following criteria: 1) don't write shit that'll get us in trouble. 2) Keep it interesting. 3) Keep it short. 4) We don't edit your mistakes. Oh yeah! feel free to send a picture of yourself if you want. TOPIC: THE "CONSPIRACY NUT" CANARD Care of: Satori Senor LeBeouf, I can't thank you enough for being up to the task of writing intelligent rebuttals to the writings of people like your John Malloy. You see, this guy comes off as bright, well read, and generally reasonable. He writes persuasively, and it's easy for the average American to identify with him. He hates spam like the rest of us, and coded messages from some lunatic in Austrangia annoy him, just as they would no doubt annoy us. He isn't a holy roller complaining about porn, not is he above writing amicably to a porn-peddler like yourself. He was willing to entertain all of these conspiracy theories, after all, and any guy who can use Occam's Razor in a sentence must be someone who's conclusions should be respected! It's guys like this that scare me. It frightens me that his letter will sway more of your readers than your rebuttal, or anything that you've printed previously, because they will identify more with him than with you. Without 100% incontrovertible evidence, without an enormous and tangible manifestation of the metaphorical smoking gun, the American public will never openly voice suspicions about their leadership. They can be swayed to vote for someone else with far less, but out and out decrying of what has been done - they need to know that nobody can call them fools before they will do that. This culture produces people completely devoid of moral courage. I don't think we will get our smoking gun, Jerky. I think that we will always be conspiracy theorists and nuts to the average American. I just hope that enough people read what you and others like you write, are frightened by it, and choose to vote these assholes out of office even if they do publicly accept the oh-so reasonable arguments of the John Malloys out there. I don't need every American to be a hero and risk everything by calling the bullshit for what it is. I just need a very small majority (in the right counties and parishes anyway) to maintain serious reservations whilst nodding and grinning at the television, and for them to cast their votes appropriately. God help us all. - Satori [There's more of us than you think, Satori. - Jerky]

Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: feedback@dailydirt.com