LIKE HERVE VILLACHEZ DIPPED IN CHOCOLATE SWITCHEROO ALERT! Amid growing disgust at the Constitution-shredding measures adopted by his Justice Department in the two years since the terror attacks of 9-11, Witchfinder General John H. Ashcroft is currently touring the country to try and whip up support for himself, his boss, and the new round of Jesus-inspired, freedom-eliminating "anti-terror" legislation he wants to shove down our throats. The legislation in question is described in a document currently being called "the V.I.C.T.O.R.Y. Act" which is short for the Vital Interdiction of Criminal Terrorist Organizations Act. But don't let the pretty new name fool you! This is the exact same legislation that was leaked to the Center for Public Integrity by a concerned DOJ staffer back in February! And if you thought the U.S.A.P.A.T.R.I.O.T.A.C.T. was bad, brother, wait until you see the sequel... And speaking of dangerously powerful Christian fundamentalists, if you are one, and you want to go on believing those soothing, comforting myths that allow you live your life without constantly shrieking in terror at the choking realization that, in the long run, everything you've ever known or loved will be sucked down with you into the vacuum void of nothingness when you die… then by all means, stay away from this excellent website! This one is almost too brazen to be true. Remember the guy who replaced Ari "the Liar" Fleischer as Preznit Dubya's press spokesmonkey? His name is Scott McClellan. His brother is Food and Drug Administration Commissioner Mark McClellan. And his dad is Barr McClellan, author of the upcoming book: Blood, Money & Power: How LBJ Killed JFK. Ain't that a bitch?! The father of a servitor of the global criminal enterprise known as the Bush Crime Syndicate blaming liberal Democratic President Lyndon Baines Johnson for the murder of liberal Democratic President John Fitzgerald Kennedy, when the preponderance of evidence points to a very different kind of man - and a very different kind of President - being elbow-deep in that metaphorical corpse's metaphorical guts. Click here to see what I mean. Scientists at Omaha's Henry Doorly Zoo think they may have discovered a new breed of giant ape in Africa. Resembling a full-grown gorilla with the face and gait of a chimpanzee, the big mokeys enjoy howling at the moon, and are apparently a source of great fear for the local population. "The people are very afraid of them. They call them the lion killers because they are huge creatures," one researcher explained. Stool samples are currently being looked at to determine whether the beasts are a hybrid, a new subspecies, or even an entirely new species of ape. "If this ends up being a new species of ape, that would be amazing," explained an over-enthused zoo director, Dr Lee Simmons. "Even if it's a hybridisation, that would be fascinating." It's amazing what they can do with shit these days, isn't it? Yer old pal Jerky was amused to see that, according to a communique obtained by the Cairo newspaper Al-Hayat, the Al Qaeda terror organization has claimed responsibility for the power grid blackout that threw much of the east coast into darkness last week. This got yer old pal Jerky to thinking… what other heinous things could these attention-seeking reprobates realistically take responsibility for? SARS? West Nile? Grossly obese chicks who dress as though they don't know they're fat? They are only limited by their imaginations in this regard, so yer old pal Jerky suspects we can expect more announcements from these guys as other elements of our national infrastructure break down under the woeful mismanagement of Preznit Dubya's misadministration. Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: feedback@dailydirt.com

ON THESE DAYS! August 22 HAPPY BIRTHDAY to science-fiction Grandmaster RAY BRADBURY! The author of such required-reading-list mainstays as The Martian Chronicles, Something Wicked This Way Comes and (the one everybody should read) Fahrenheit 451, was born on this day in 1920! Did you know the title of the novel Fahrenheit 451 - which is more about the Powers That Be cultivating stupidity in the masses than it is about censorship - comes from the temperature at which paper burns? READ THIS BOOK! *** **** *** On this day in 1992, the second day of the stand-off, federal law enforcement officers close in on Randy Weaver's deep-woods hideaway at Ruby Ridge. At one point, as the Weavers try to bury their 14 year old son - who was shot dead by a federal officer because he, himself, killed a federal officer for shooting his dog - sharpshooters open fire, killing Weaver's wife while she held their baby daughter in her arms. Meanwhile, around the nation, for the first time in post-war American history, big dumb white guys begin to worry about police brutality. Contrary to popular right-wing mythology, the President of the USA at the time was George Herbert Walker Bush, and NOT Bill Clinton. *** **** *** On this day in the year 2000, the following Top Ten list ran in the Daily Dirt: "WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT?!" TOP TEN OTHER NAMES FOR THE PUSSY MONSTER! 11. Cunt-o-saurus Retch 10. PoonZilla 9. Madonna 8. Cleavered Beaver 7. Loosey 6. The Echo Chamber 5. Moby Twat 4. Boner Barn 3. Roseanne 2. The Mangled Meat Curtain 1. Your mother

THEY SAID IT! "Dear Attorney General Ashcroft; ... I would very much appreciate it if you would share your abstinence story. ... Don't be afraid to share a moment when you were tempted to have sex, but were able to overcome your urges through willpower and strength of character. Be funny! Did a young woman ever think you were homosexual just because you wouldn't have sex with her? Be serious! Were you ever taunted and made to feel bad or "uncool" about your choice? But most of all, be real! Kids can sense a phony a mile away." - Best-selling satirist Al Franken recently apologized to John Ashcroft for using his position as a Harvard fellow to try and trick the nation's Witchfinder General into revealing some extremely personal details about his life as a non-pre-marital-sex-having person. Read all about it here *** **** *** "Memorials in Sally Baron's honor can be made to any organization working for the removal of President Bush." - Yer old pal Jerky hopes to start seeing a whole lot more obituaries like this here one.

JOKES! Today's first joke was sent in by our old pal Wally. Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened. "First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector," says the Coroner. "Second body: "Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile." The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?" "Ah," says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one. Billy-Bob the redneck from West Virginia, 30, struck by lightning." "Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector. "He thought he was having his picture taken." *** *** *** Thanks to our old pal LL./ for sending in today's second joke. Sven and Olaf worked together in a factory and both were laid off. So dey went to the Unemployment Office togeder. Asked his occupation, Olaf said, "Panty Stitcher. I sew da elastic onto ladies cotton panties." The clerk looked up Panty Stitcher. Finding it classified as unskilled labor, she gave Olaf $300 a week in unemployment pay. Sven was asked his occupation he replied, "Diesel Fitter." Since Diesel Fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Sven $600 a week. When Olaf found this out, he was furious! He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and coworker was collecting double his benefits. The clerk explained, "Panty Stitchers are unskilled and Diesel Fitters are skilled labor." "What skill?", yelled Olaf. "I sew da elastic on da panties. Olaf puts dem over his head and says, "yah, DIESEL FITTER!" WORST JOKE OF THE DAY Today's worst jokes were sent in by Therese Crews. roses r red, pickles r sour open ur legs and baby give me an hour roses r red, candy is sticky give me a kiss and i'll give u a hickey [Red are the roses, blue are the violets. Your poems were so bad, they drove me to violence. - Jerky]

ASK JERKY! Relationship troubles? Philosophical quandaries? Nagging doubts about your spouse? Jerky knows the answer! Send your letter to the feedback address at the bottom of the page: Yo MOPB'n'J, I have a 2 parter today. 1) In the 8/21 edition what happened to INNOCENT QUESTION #4372006?? I feel we have missed something. 2) If I'm not really interested in anal sex with anyone, even women, does that make me extra heterosexual? Thanks and don't die on us! Signed: TY Those are two good questions, KY. Here are my answers: 1) INNOCENT QUESTION #4372006 was left out of yesterday's Dirt because our European backers pulled their financing at the last minute, forcing us to scale back operations. 2) "Not being interested" in anal sex doesn't make you extra heterosexual. It just means you had trouble potty training as a child. Thanks for not wanting me to die! *** **** *** Hi Jerky; Is the Dirt merchandise available outside the Americas? In other words if I order it will it be delivered to Ireland? Thanks, Chef Paul. Whether you live in Boston, Bulgaria, or Burkina Faso, if you order our Daily Dirt collectors' mugs and t-shirts, our Daily Dirt collectors' mugs and t-shirts shall be delivered unto you. So mote it be! *** **** *** HEY YOU! I WANT TO SEE GIRLS POOPING, PEEING, POOP EATING, PEE DRINKING, DIRTY DIAPERS, TEEN ANAL, SICK ANAL, ASS TO MOUTH, SHE MALES! SIGNED: RANDY MANTIS It's no use hiding behind a fake name, your Holiness. That Vatican mail server will give you away every time.

READER'S SOAPBOX! Got a gripe? Pet peeve? Have your say in the Daily Dirt! Columns can pretty much be about anything, as long they meet the following criteria: 1) don't write shit that'll get us in trouble. 2) Keep it interesting. 3) Keep it short. 4) We don't edit your mistakes. Oh yeah! feel free to send a picture of yourself if you want. TOPIC: GOT THOSE IGLOOS-IN-TORONTO BLUES! Care of: Aaron Penton Dear Jerky, As a born and raised Canadian who has played Blues music professionally for the past 10 years, I feel compelled to correct the dickhead who wrote in claiming that Blues music can’t “take place” in Canada [See yesterday's Soapbox - Jerky] (I won’t speak for Hawaii because I’m not Hawaiian). I have toured the US playing Blues and kicking some serious American ass, packing roadhouses, raping the fields and pillaging the women (love those American girls). I will also say that Canada is full of world class Blues musicians. Colin James? Downchild Blues Band? The Powder Blues Band? That’s of course just scratching the surface. What about Dan Hill? (just kidding). Saying that Blues can’t “take place” in Canada comes from the same school of thought as “So, you guys live in igloos?” and “hey I know this guy from Toronto. His name is Jeff. Do you know him?” I’m sure he meant no harm, and maybe “dickhead” is too harsh (maybe “snapperhead” would be more appropriate). I actually enjoyed some of the bits, cliché as they may be. Anyway, Canada has as much soul (albeit in smaller numbers) as the US. Here’s some good old Canadian Blues for you to chew on, compliments of me: a scrawny, pasty Canadian white butt from the plains, with a huge cock. http://www.aaronpenton.com/mp3/phunkyou.mp3 http://www.aaronpenton.com/mp3/cumdown.mp3 http://www.aaronpenton.com/mp3/room.mp3 Cheerz and enjoy. - Aaron [Thanks, Aaron, and get well soon! I hear that S.A.R.S. shit can be a real bitch to shake, especially when you're busy causing massive blackouts! Ooop... what's that I hear? Could it be the furious 'plinkety-plink' of outraged Canucks putting fingers to keyboard in order to set yer old pal Jerky straight about how the whole S.A.R.S. thing was overblown, or about how the blackout was really Mayor Bloomberg's fault? Will those dozens of outraged e-mails blowing down on a chill wind from the Great White North be read? Or will they end up in yer old pal Jerky's virtual round-file? Tune in tomorrow to find out! - Jerky]

Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: feedback@dailydirt.com