VALENTINE'S DAY QUIZ Yes, I know, Valentine's Day is long gone at this point. But that doesn't mean your romance skills couldn't use a little brushing up. After completing the following Valentine's Day Quiz, you'll be instantly transformed from a spud-like sofa sitter into a muff-stuffin' stud-muffin in no time flat! You're welcome! - YOPJ *** *** *** Question 1: How many times do you tell your special lady friend that you love her? a) Frequently. b) Occasionally. c) Rarely. d) Only when she says it first. e) Only when you're about to betray her. Question 2: "Love at first sight" is... a) ...the only way to love. b) ...a possibility, but rare. c) ...a romantic myth. d) ...a conspiracy between your eyes and genitals. Question 3: You and your special lady friend are out on a date. Chuck Norris starts hitting on her. What do you do? a) Raise a fuss, get your ass kicked. b) Calmly wait until Chuck is finished with her, then take her back, no questions asked. c) Sneak away to hatch a violent revenge plot that you'll never have the balls to go through with. d) Accept that Chuck is the better man, be happy for her, and move on. e) Ask Chuck for an autograph. Question 4: Complete the following: "LOVE means never having to... a) ...say you're sorry." b) ...flush the toilet." c) ...call the police." d) ...ask 'how much?'" Question 5: Do you remember the first time you and your special lady friend made love? a) NO!!! b) Vaguely, kinda... c) Yeah, I guess so. Why? Should I get tested? d) Yes, and I still occasionally check out the screen caps from my surreptitiously recorded webcam video of that magical night. Question 6: If your relationship were a board game, which of the following would it be? a) Chutes and Ladders, because it's full of ups and downs. b) Trivial Pursuit, because there's nothing she won't nag you about. c) SORRY!, because it's a game of sweet revenge. d) Candyland, because it's fixated on oral pleasures. e) Risk, because you have more money and she refuses to sign a pre-nup. f) Clue, because she likes it in the back room with a candlestick, if you know what I mean. Question 7: Complete the following. "To know me is to _____ me." a) love b) hate c) fear d) recoil from the stench that rolls off of Question 8: Which of the following romantic movie quotes would you be most likely to use on your special lady friend? a) "You complete me." b) "Heeeeere's JOHNNY!" c) "You're going to have to toss me." d) "It rubs the lotion on its skin, or else it gets the hose again." Question 9: How do you cope with being separated from your special lady friend for significant stretches of time? a) By keeping in constant contact via phone, e-mail, private investigator, etc. b) By furiously masturbating. c) By thinking about her while screwing other women. d) What do you mean, 'cope'? With time off for good behavior, I'll be back on the street in no time! Question 10: Your idea of a perfect date would be: a) Dinner, a movie, dancing... the usual crap. b) Taking her to your local Dianetics Center for a free personality test. c) An unbridled weekend of non-orgasmic Tantric canoodling. d) A beer-fueled double-date quail hunting with the Cheneys. *** *** *** HOW TO CALCULATE YOUR SCORE... First, give yourself 10 POINTS just for doing the test. Next, take those 10 points, and shove them up your ass. YOU WIN! Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: jerkyleboeuf@gmail.com

ON THIS DAY February 14 On this day in 1957, the Georgia Senate unanimously approves Senator Leon Butts' bill barring blacks from playing baseball with whites, otherwise known as the Locker Room Shock Prevention Bill. On this day in 1971, President Richard Nixon has a secret audio-taping system installed in the Oval Office. He lives happily ever after. On this day in 1989, Iran's Ayatollah Ruhollah Khomeini puts a multi-million dollar bounty on Salman Rushdie's head because his novel The Satanic Verses -- in which Mohammed (PBUH) plays tricks on the archangel Gabriel -- is blasphemous. Today, Khomeini is dead and Rushdie still walks among us. HA-ha!

THEY SAID IT! "I think what historians in the future will note from this is that it is so emblematic of the whole administration, the way they handle everything, which of course is to immediately screw something up, then lie about it and blame the victim. You notice that the story keeps changing? At first he was just peppered. He was sprayed, just something between friends! It brought them closer! And then we found out no, actually he got shot in the face. Then today the thing went to his heart. I heard that by tomorrow, it's gonna be that Dick Cheney blew his head off at the dinner table." - Bill Maher cracks wise on Chris "Tweety" Matthews's retarded MSNBC pundit showcase, Hardball. And for all you conservatives out there, he gets in some good anti-Hilary cracks in the second half of the video on the other end of the provided link. *** **** *** "No one has ever been brought to trial to answer for the assassination of my husband. I feel that my family, Mister Ray and the American people have been unjustly denied the due process that is the birthright of every citizen." - Sometimes, civil rights icons say the darnedest things.

JOKES! Today's first joke was sent in by Fred6! Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives, however, they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers. Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery. One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them. Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them. She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she needed to wipe with that. After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home. The next day one of the women's husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said, "These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties!!" "That's nothing" said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card stuck to her ass that said: 'From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you.'" *** *** *** Thanks to our old pal Ken for sending in today's second joke. There are two Quebecois hunters who have been lost in the woods for weeks and they're at death's door. As they stumble on, hoping for some form of salvation or something similar, they suddenly spot, through the brush, a peculiar looking tree off in the distance. As they get closer they can see that the tree is draped with rasher upon rasher of bacon. There's smoked bacon, crispy bacon, life giving juicy nearly-raw bacon, all sorts. "Hey, Jacques" says the first hunter "Dat's a bacon tree! We're saved!" "You're right, mon ami!" says Henri. So Jacques goes on ahead and runs up to the tree salivating at the prospect of food. But as he gets to within five feet of the tree, there's the sound of machine gun fire, and he is shot down in a hail of bullets. His friend quickly drops down on the forest floor and calls across to the wounded Jacques. "Jacques!! Jacques!! Que ce qui se passe?" With his dying breath Jacques calls out... "Run, mon ami, run! Dat's not a Bacon Tree! "Dat's... a HAM BUSH!" WORST JOKE OF THE DAY Today's groaner was sent in by M. Perigo... I went to a Muslim birthday party the other day. It was the fastest fucking game of pass the parcel I'd ever played.

READER'S SOAPBOX! Got a gripe? Pet peeve? Have your say in the Daily Dirt! Columns can pretty much be about anything, as long they meet the following criteria: 1) don't write shit that'll get us in trouble. 2) Keep it interesting. 3) Keep it short. 4) We don't edit your mistakes. Oh yeah! feel free to send a picture of yourself if you want. TOPIC: IT'S JUST A RIDE care of: SpinSpin Hey big guy; Interesting to read the emotional outpourings of your readers re your giving up the game rant. I read it with a totally different slant in that I thought you were meaning with how everything is with disinformation, sneaky twisted power channels and the 'so what cha gonna do about it' futility of the present political situation you sometimes "WONDER" what the point is in reporting it, cos nothing seems to lead to a solution. A bit like watching LOST on tv. lots of twists and turns but none of it ever leads to any answers. But look at it this way, Jerkmeister. At least the ride is entertaining, for the meantime. I personally don't think that justice will be served because "they" run the courts, so like you I've given up on hoping for a happy and fair ending to the present fucked up mess we all live in. I guess if I sit down and think about it the biggest downer is what a complete disappointment we as a species, hey... but what are we going to do about it, same as we always have? Pass the cheese whizz and the remote, mate... I think there's some free porn on the community channel. cheers, Spin [The dogs are barking, but the train keeps rolling. - Jerky] FIRST AMENDMENT ZONE / ASK JERKY! Questions abound. I see Billy, george Evil senior, and george junior getting rather chummy. What is happening? The Democrats are refusing to lead and the Repugnicans are padding their pockets. I think it is time for a new set of LEADERS TO LEAD. We need a uniting force with out high taxes but conversely not having low taxes for the rich. A person and Group that can win influence and FRIENDS around the world. A group that Knows what it wants and can lead America even in their defeat (think of M.L. King, J. Jackson, or even A. Sharpton) A group that can make the Government accountable, one that can make progressive regulations on companies that run amok for their bottom lines - Think Exxon, Walmart, the EPA (snort and chuckle) one that is actually for education because it helps the people not the politcal careers... We need a new leading group with a new leading face and the time is now. I cringe to think that George Dubious is the face of America followed by Cheney or Rice or Rumsfeld... I like traveling but am afraid to go places. Can some one step forward? Perhaps even you Jerky? Jethro [No thanks. - Jerky] *** **** *** So Jerky, NOW BushCo announces that because of their efforts Al Quaida has been thwarted several times... going as far as citing an incident a few years ago. This plot apparently involved a group of shoe-bombers who were to blow off the cockpit doors in order to seize control of jetliners and crash them into an LA Tower. It's really funny how they come up with these timely statements in the midst of eroding support for their tiresome bullshit. Isn't it time for SOME intrepid Press to expose these lies??? ... Krooozer [Smells fishy, I agree. - Jerky] *** **** *** MOP Jerky, Please allow me to add my remarks to B'Ski's. I assume we're talking of survival here in the USA after the collapse of authority. The AK-47 and it's ammo may well be the most popular caliber in the world, but not in the USA. Here, in Big Game rifles, it's going to be the 30-06 or the 270 Win. In 40 years of deer hunting in the south, I've only met one hunter that used an SKS, none with an AK-47. I agree that a 12 Ga. 3in mag shotgun is a good choice, but I think a double barrel, either side by side or over-under would be better than a pump. Be prepared to saw it off even with fore grip when the time comes. You can put a 1,000 gr. slug in one barrel and #4 buckshot in the other and cover anything out to 100 yards. Probably, nowadays, a 9mm pistol is the most popular. Any 30-06 rifle, with or without a scope is ok. You could buy all 3 of these weapons at any large pawn shop for under $1,000. YOP, Kenny"B" [I got me a slingshot. Will that be enough? - Jerky] *** **** *** Jerky, Is it true what they say? That the picture in the uglitron is of you? V.D. [Yes, it is true what they say. - Jerky] *** **** *** Jerky - So the media's been spending a lot of time and bluster on Muslims rioting over the cartoons of Mohammed, bloviating windbags expressing incredulity over the situation and are of the opinion that this incident is the proof that Muslims are just unhinged lunatics. But this whole thing is being looked at as if it's in a vacuum. These cartoons are just the match thrown onto a pile of oil-soaked, Arab corpses lying in the rubble of a mosque. The western world has beset these people from all sides and all angles, and we have the audacity to be puzzled by why they could be so aggravated over a few little drawings done deliberately to provoke them. Christ, we're a bunch of callous fucking assholes. Jack [Still and all, they're just cartoons! Not even particularly good cartoons! - Jerky] *** **** *** Want the best gas price in town? Just plug in your zip code and it tells you which gas stations have the cheapest prices (and the highest) on gas in your zip code. It's updated every evening by MSN. You know that I do not send you anything with the message to send this to everyone on your e-mail list, but be a good neighbor and pass this one along. David A. [Is that legal?! - Jerky] *** **** *** Dear Jerky, -- "It is not the job of public affairs officers to alter, filter or adjust engineering or scientific material produced by NASA's technical staff. " - Mike Griffin NASA Administrator. -- You might want to check this link for the full satement. Today Nasa PA officer/spokesperson George C. Deutsch resigned from his post. Apparantly mr Deutch had been insisting on things like that a Web designer insert the word "theory" before any mention of the Big Bang. Meanwhile closer to home, Islamic hatred for the west is a a all time high, and it looks like religious dogma is going to win over free speech. Christians from within, Islam from without. Or as you would put it, chaos ensues. Unarmed in the end game, Poli [Yeah, it's totally nuts. I touched on it two Dirts ago (but to be fair, your e-mail predates that). - Jerky]

Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: feedback@dailydirt.com