PARIS HILTON HAS THIS CRAZY POWER INTERESTING TIMES The image of Paris Hilton performing her incredible time-lapse plastic face trick, visible directly to the right of this text, appears courtesy of Michael C. Gross, legendary art director for the equally legendary National Lampoon, during its hedonistic, taboo-bursting heyday of the early 1970's. Yer old pal Jerky was thrilled and humbled when the incomparably talented Mr. Gross contacted the Daily Dirt to offer some professional tips on how to take better dirty pictures. Yer old pal Jerky would like to personally thank Mr. Gross for even being aware of the Daily Dirt's existence, and I urge you all to check out the rest of his adult website tour, linked at the bottom of his helpful and titillating tutorial. Imagine a world, ten thousand years ago, filled with beautiful blondes, brunettes and redheads... each one weighing over five tons! That's the scenario envisioned by scientists studying Wooly Mammoth DNA, now that they've found hair color diversity genes in a bunch of bones recently thawed out of the Siberian permafrost. Makes you wonder if cavemen thought it was bad luck to let a black Mammoth cross your path... Holy Illuminati, Batman! Turns out all those Medieval paintings were true! Hands and heads shed light! So you don't know how it got there? You just woke up one morning and there it was? Yeah... that's a likely story. Yer old pal Jerky apologizes for missing this story about David Hasselhoff's bizzare chandelier shaving accident, but... hey, you know... who gives a fuck?! Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: jerkyleboeuf@gmail.com

ON THIS DAY July 10 On this day in 1212, London burns to the ground. Thousands perish in the blaze, which would be known as the Great Fire of London until 1666, when an even bigger fire came along to steal its thunder. On this day in 1821, the United States takes formal possession of Florida, which had been recently purchased from Spain. Imagine how pissed off they were when they got there and realized it was mostly swampland! On this day in 1890, Wyoming is admitted as the 44th U.S. state, thus paving the way for the possibility of Vice Preznit Dick Fuckin' Cheney. So FUCK Wyoming! On this day in 1925 the so-called Monkey Trial begins in Dayton, Tennessee. John Scopes, a young high school science teacher, is accused of teaching his students evolution, which was a violation of Tennessee law. He actually lost the case, ironically, because people in Tennessee are less evolved than the people in most other states. And unless you've been there and seen for yourself, don't contradict me on this. On this day in 1962, Telstar, the world's first communications satellite, is launched into orbit. Overpriced hotel room porn ensues. On this day in 1992, President George Herbert "Poppy" Walker Bush has one of his many CIA criminal co-conspirators, former Panamanian leader Manuel Noriega, locked up for 40 years on drug and racketeering charges. It's a wonder he didn't end up dead, when you think about it. Hey, hold on a second… has anybody checked his cell lately? Maybe old Manuel is kickin' back, sipping boat drinks with Ken Lay on that fortified Costa Rican compound where The Powers That Be send all their invisible heavies these days. On this day in 2000, 250 villagers in Nigeria are killed in a massive fireball explosion while scavenging gasoline from a cracked petroleum pipeline. Don't laugh... the way gas prices are going, you'll be doing the same thing soon enough.

THEY SAID IT! "All I want a chance is just to live a quiet life. I'll live it as far away from anybody and everything as I can." - Australian pedophile Bradley Pen Dragon reacts upon learning of his "surprise" royal pardon by King Bhumibol Adulyadej of Thailand, which set the multiple kiddy-fucker free in the tenth year of his fifteen year sentence. *** **** *** "It is the job of thinking people not to be on the side of the executioners." - Albert Camus, swishy pinko commie liberal intellectual.

JOKES! Today's first joke was sent in by ABC! Q: What's the difference between Ann Coulter and Adolph Hitler? A: Hitler only had one testicle. *** *** *** Thanks to our old pal Dave on Dope for sending in today's second joke. Two ninety-one year old men, Moe and Sam, have been friends all their lives. It seems that Sam is dying of cancer, and Moe comes to visit him every day. "Sam," says Moe, "You know how we have both loved baseball all our lives, and how we played minor league ball together for so many years. Sam, you have to do me one favor. When you get to Heaven, and I know you will go to Heaven, somehow you've got to let me know if there's baseball in Heaven." Sam looks up at Moe from his death bed, and says, "Moe, you've been my best friend many years. This favor, if it is at all possible, I'll do for you." And shortly after that, Sam passes on. It is midnight a couple of nights later. Moe is sound asleep when he is awakened by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calls out to him, "Moe... Moe..." "Who is it?"! says Moe sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?" "Moe, it's me, Sam." "Come on. You're not Sam. Sam just died." "I'm telling you," insists the voice. "It's me, Sam!" "Sam? Is that you? Where are you?" "I'm in heaven," says Sam, "and I've got to tell you, I've got really good news... and a little bad news." "So, tell me the good news first," says Moe. "The good news," says Sam "is that there is baseball in heaven. Better yet, all our old buddies who've gone before us are there. Better yet, we're all young men again. Better yet, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play baseball all we want, and we never get tired!" "Really?" says Moe, "That is fantastic, wonderful, beyond my wildest dreams! But, what's the bad news?" "You're pitching next Tuesday!" WORST JOKE OF THE DAY Today's groaner was sent in by Mick... While trying to escape through Pakistan, Osama Bin Laden found a Bottle along the way and picked it up. Suddenly, a female genie rose from the bottle and with a smile said "Master, may I grant you one wish?" "You ignorant unworthy daughter-of-a-dog! Don't you know who I am? I don't need any common woman giving me anything," barked Bin Laden. The shocked genie said "Please, I must grant you a wish or I will be returned to that bottle forever." Osama thought a moment. Then grumbled about the impertinence of the woman, and said "Very well, I want to awaken with three American women in my bed in the morning, so just do it and be off with you!" The annoyed genie said, "So be it!" and disappeared. The next morning Bin Laden woke up in bed with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding, and Hillary Clinton. His penis was gone, his knees were broken, and he had no health insurance. God is good.

READER'S SOAPBOX! Got a gripe? Pet peeve? Have your say in the Daily Dirt! Columns can pretty much be about anything, as long they meet the following criteria: 1) don't write shit that'll get us in trouble. 2) Keep it interesting. 3) Keep it short. 4) We don't edit your mistakes. Oh yeah! feel free to send a picture of yourself if you want. TOPIC: TEN SIGNS YOU'RE A FUNDAMENTALIST CHRISTIAN care of: CT 10 - You vigorously deny the existence of thousands of gods claimed by other religions, but feel outraged when someone denies the existence of yours. 9 - You feel insulted and "dehumanized" when scientists say that people evolved from other life forms, but you have no problem with the Biblical claim that we were created from dirt. 8 - You laugh at polytheists, but you have no problem believing in a Triune God. 7 - Your face turns purple when you hear of the "atrocities" attributed to Allah, but you don't even flinch when hearing about how God/Jehovah slaughtered all the babies of Egypt in "Exodus" and ordered the elimination of entire ethnic groups in "Joshua" including women, children, and trees! 6 - You laugh at Hindu beliefs that deify humans, and Greek claims about gods sleeping with women, but you have no problem believing that the Holy Spirit impregnated Mary, who then gave birth to a man-god who got killed, came back to life and then ascended into the sky. 5 - You are willing to spend your life looking for little loopholes in the scientifically established age of Earth (few billion years), but you find nothing wrong with believing dates recorded by Bronze Age tribesmen sitting in their tents and guessing that Earth is a few generations old. 4 - You believe that the entire population of this planet with the exception of those who share your beliefs -- though excluding those in all rival sects - will spend Eternity in an infinite Hell of Suffering. And yet consider your religion the most "tolerant" and "loving." 3 - While modern science, history, geology, biology, and physics have failed to convince you otherwise, some idiot rolling around on the floor speaking in "tongues" may be all the evidence you need to "prove" Christianity. 2 - You define 0.01% as a "high success rate" when it comes to answered prayers. You consider that to be evidence that prayer works. And you think that the remaining 99.99% FAILURE was simply the will of God. 1 - You actually know a lot less than many atheists and agnostics do about the Bible, Christianity, and church history - but still call yourself a Christian. - CT FIRST AMENDMENT ZONE / ASK JERKY! MOPJ, I did the trace search on my computer and sure enough, the AT&T IP address showed up. So I did it again with the FBI, SEC, (I work in the financial services industry) and the DIA. The first two showed up and the third was interesting, but I was not quite sure what to make of it. Welcome to Bush world!!! When or where does this shit end? YOP, Bob [When their work is finished, at which point... it begins. - Jerky] *** **** *** Mr LeBoeuf, My son served time with M Milken. It was no holiday as YOPG suggested. True, they could send out for pizza and their only wall was a yellow line on the floor, but it was still prison time. No cucumbers. No BJ's. The guards knew that M Milken was a financial whiz, so they paid him to pick stocks. He'd look at the WSJ every day, take a wicked guess and collect his money. Aram [Sounds like a holiday to me. - Jerky] *** **** *** Mr LeBoeuf, Having absolutely nothing else to do, I'm watching portions of the World Cup. I think the most difficult part of the game is for the announcers who have to talk for two hours - unless they go into over-time which means they have to go into over-talk. All the soccer-moms are lined up on the side-lines waiting to take their kids back to France or Italy in the family SUV. I like my version of Soccer. What you do is get a couple hundred old guys on each side. They don't run around, but if the ball should come near, they give it such a kick. There are no timeouts unless someone needs to have their diaper changed. Aram [It has potential. - Jerky] *** **** *** Mr LeBoeuf, Always alive to the possibility of a new sport, lemme propose the following -- On a basketball court, place a net at each corner. On the court place 15 third world new-born babies (you don't want them to crawl around and ruin the game). Then two teams, one from Italy and one from France, take turns attempting to head-butt the infants into the nets. "Combination" shots are illegal and will result in the issuance of a Red Card - the dreaded Red Card. Since there are 15 babies, there can never be a tie and therefore no butt-off. Aram [How the hell does one "headbutt" something at ground level? Back to the drawing board with that one. - Jerky] *** **** *** Hey Jerky! Do you Do the Dew? Check this out and scroll down... Keith [Sheizen!!! - Jerky] *** **** *** MOPJ, Once again I am confronted with an incredulous story relating to a politician. The one and only senior Senator from Utah, Repuglican Moron Orrin Hatch (Utard) help spring a music producer from jail in Dubai. It has something to do with his shitty music and a law firm. YOP, Bob [Oh well. In this case, hypocrisy ended up doing good work. 10 years in an Arabian jail for 2 grams of cocaine? Fuck that shit! - Jerky] *** **** *** Regarding Ken Lay conspiracy theories; Fucker probably just up and died. What really chills me is Cheney and Rove and Rummy doing as they please and getting off so easy – state secrets, won’t turn over the evidence needed to convict them, go hunting with the justices who steal elections for them, run companies that get directly involved in the geopolitics they dictate, tell Congress and the Supremes that they’ll interpret the law their own way, push policy and legislation that will earn them hundreds of millions of dollars. Say it again – hundreds of millions of dollars. This is why we have a tripartite government, this is why we have checks and balances, this is why the country used to elect Democrat congresses and Republican presidents and had a Supreme Court that split the difference. Now that Jesus and Guns runs everything, there’ just no accountability. It’s really quite awful, and it makes me ashamed of my great country. And more ashamed of its people, at least 59 million of them. Have a nice fucking day. ACD [A-fucking-men. - Jerky]

Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: feedback@dailydirt.com