ANTI-AMERICAN PIE! Well folks, the worst has finally happened. The crackpot kafuffle over a baker's dozen of shitty Danish "political" cartoons has spilled over into the world of fast food. In Pakistan, hundreds of rioting Islamists put a KFC to the torch and brutally assaulted a defenseless Ronald McDonald. Oh, the humanity! Meanwhile, in Iran's capital city of Tehran, bakeries have begun covering up ads for Danish pastries after the all-powerful Islamic Union of Revolutionary Confectioners unilaterally decided the tasty breakfast treats should henceforth be called Roses of the Prophet Mohammed. "This is a punishment for those who started misusing freedom of expression to insult the sanctities of Islam," said cake shop owner Ahmad Mahmoudi, providing ample evidence that the United States of Freedom Fries has some stiff competition when it comes to petty nomenclatural switcheroos. But the real issue here, as far as yer old pal Jerky is concerned, is that "Roses for the Prophet Monammed" is one of the worst attempts at market branding since Diet Crystal Pepsi. It's too long, too generic, and next to impossible to remember. The only thing it's got going for it is spite! And so, in the spirit of ecumenical camaraderie, we here at the Daily Dirt have decided to give Iran's bakers a helping hand by coming up with a list of the… TOP 13 NEW NAMES FOR DANISH PASTRIES! 13. Islamic Croissant 12. Sunni Snacks 11. Mohammedoughnuts 10. Pop-Pop-Pop-Pop Tarts 9. Pie Allah Mode 8. Prophet Puffs 7. Short-tempered Bread 6. Ayatollah Rolls 5. Koran Kringle 4. Jihad Cakes 3. A Big Piece of Shiite 2. Sand-Nigga Strudel 1. Total Lack of Freedom Pie Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: jerkyleboeuf@gmail.com

ON THIS DAY February 15 On this day in 399 BC, Greek philosopher Socrates is found guilty of corrupting the youth of Athens, and is sentenced to death, by a jury of 500 Athenians. The method of his execution? Drinking a Hemlock potion. I guess you could call it lethal ingestion! On this day in 1898, the USS Maine blows up in Havana harbor, killing 258 sailors. The cause of the blast is never definitively determined, but the incident is used as an excuse to start the Spanish American War. The parallels between then and now are pretty astonishing, especially in terms of media manipulation of the populace. On this day in 1931, the first ever Dracula movie premieres. Goths ensue. On this day in 1933, disgruntled immigrant Giuseppe Zangara takes a shot at president-elect Franklin Delano Roosevelt in Florida. He misses, hitting Chicago mayor Anton Cermak, instead. Cermak fell out of the convertible, and the driver raced off, but Roosevelt ordered him to turn back. FDR personally hauled Cermak into the car and the raced off to hospital. But it was too late. Cermak succumbed to his wounds. Zangara was executed just over a month later. *** **** *** And, one year ago in the Dirt, we ran this schedule for the new Pentagon TV channel:

THEY SAID IT! "This is a Fox News alert. The lawyer accidentally hit by Vice President Dick Cheney suffering a mild heart attack this morning. Doctors say he's doing just fine and could be released in a week. Meanwhile, the White House press corps again beating a dead horse as it tries to find out why they were not told right away about the Vice President's hunting accident. Not one person bothering to ask, in the meantime, how Dick Cheney's feeling about all this." - Leave it to FOX News anchor-puppet Neil Cavuto to sniff out the REAL story, here. *** **** *** "He doesn't really do anything. He just lies there with his Viagra erection. It's just a fake erection, and each girl gets on top of him for two minutes while the girls in the background try to keep him excited. They'll yell things like, 'Fuck her daddy, fuck her daddaddy!' There's a lot of cheerleader going on!" - Former Playboy Playmate (and current professional poker player) Jill Ann Spaulding reveals all about the creepy goings-on she claims to have personally witnessed at Hugh Heffner's mansion.

JOKES! Today's first joke was sent in by Trembly Dale! A guy starts talking to two women in a bar. They turn out to be Siamese twins and they wind up back at his apartment. He makes love to one, and then starts to work on the other. He thinks the first one might get bored watching, so he asks her what she'd like to do. She says, "Is that a trombone in the corner? I'd love to play your trombone." So she plays it while he makes love to her sister. A few weeks later, the girls are walking past his apartment building. One of the girls says, "Let's stop up and see that guy." The other girl says, "It’s been a few weeks. Do you think he'll remember us?" *** *** *** Thanks to our old pal Ralston for sending in today's second joke. Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey". Miraculously, a parking place appeared. Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, Lord. I found one." WORST JOKE OF THE DAY Today's groaner was sent in by Henry Bent... Jesus and his disciples were walking around one day, when Jesus said, "The Kingdom of Heaven is like 3x squared plus 8x minus 9." The disciples looked very puzzled, and finally asked Peter, "What on earth does Jesus mean -- ‘the Kingdom of Heaven is like 3x squared plus 8x minus 9?’" Peter said, "Don't worry, guys. It's just another one of his parabolas."

READER'S SOAPBOX! Got a gripe? Pet peeve? Have your say in the Daily Dirt! Columns can pretty much be about anything, as long they meet the following criteria: 1) don't write shit that'll get us in trouble. 2) Keep it interesting. 3) Keep it short. 4) We don't edit your mistakes. Oh yeah! feel free to send a picture of yourself if you want. TOPIC: FOLLOWING CHENEY'S LEAD care of: Jack Frost Hey Jerky; Last week in Chino, California (close to San Diego) a police officer began a high-speed chase with a red corvette that was doing over 100MPH in a residential neighborhood. The chase was very brief, and ended with the driver crashing the car into a wall. The officer took the driver, Luis Escobedo, and a passenger, Elio Carrion, from the vehicle and even though no drugs or weapons were found, held them at gunpoint (hmmm, could it be the Latino names involved?). Carrion, clearly complying with the officer's orders, began to plead with the cop that he was 'in the military' as the officer orders him to sit on the ground with his back to the vehicle. As Carrion continues to plead, the officer then orders him to get up. As Carrion attempts to comply, before even getting very far off the ground, the officer opens fire, hitting him 3-4 times depending on the report. There is a video of this incident, but it is as difficult to find as news stories about the incident - go ahead and try a search, there's not much. Fortunately, Carrion was not killed. But as it turns out, Carrion's plea that he was 'in the military' boils down to the fact that he'd just returned to the US from his stint in Iraq as an Air Force MP. What a dilemma, eh? Can they acquit this officer of wrongdoing when it's caught on videotape that he shot an unarmed US soldier attempting to follow said officer's order? And if the officer is acquitted, how would this square with 'supporting the troops'? Jack [Guess who's in the most trouble over this incident... That's right! The guy who taped the shooting. Video at link. - Jerky] FIRST AMENDMENT ZONE / ASK JERKY! Jerky; I had to say that Cheney just so perfectly echoes America... Shooting a buddy in the chest and face by accident while trying to murder things that can't fight back. Who needs satirists anymore? You've just been put out of work. MikeD [Sigh. - Jerky] *** **** *** Hey Jerky, Go Fuck Yourself. Cardina [That's pretty fucking funny. - Jerky] *** **** *** MOPJ, I've been wondering whether or not Dick Cheney's gunshot blast was preceded by a loud and heart-felt "GO FUCK YOURSELF"? G. Smith [We'll never know. - Jerky] *** **** *** Hey Jerky, Shouldn't the 3rd season read WOYA SEASON?! YOP DMZ [I briefly contemplated it, but thought it would be too confusing. - Jerky] *** **** *** Funny isn't it? George Dubious has spent close to $500,000,000,000 to kill as many Americans as the "Alqueda" did in new york! Jethro [Funny isn't what I'd call it. - Jerky] *** **** *** Love you stuff jerky. Just wondering if anyone has ever noticed that NOW the PBS program is barely on ever more when it is broadcast and seems to be put on when it is the weirdest times of the night. Just a random thought as its one of the few new magazines I watch on a regular basis as it seems pertinent to me compared to the other nightly news. Ralph [I think you just answered your own implied question. It's too good to be widely available. - Jerky] *** **** *** Well, here is a point of view you won't see on ABC or FOX. Dave aka Brummbaer [Except as the basis of an "OMG TEH OUTRAGE!!!1!!" story. - Jerky]

Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: feedback@dailydirt.com